City Limits

When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive... so, I took her to a gas station...

And then the fight started....

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After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.

The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application.

When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.

She said, 'you should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.'

And then the fight started...

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.

My wife asked, 'Do you know her?'

'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.'

'My God!' says my wife, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...
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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!'

So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one of the seven are you?'

And then the fight started...

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away - and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, don't skydive.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend a friend $20 and never see them again, it was probably a wise investment.

If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

People who know the least, know it the loudest.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When you’re feeling down – whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. That oughtta be good for a laugh.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

As in Campbell. And Green Day:

Possibly the tackiest ad ever. . .

This video wasn't long enough, so they made it double-spaced:

"Weird Al" Yankovic hosts a 2006 television special to promote his new album Straight Outta Lynwood. This features "fake" interviews with Jessica Simpson and Kevin Federline, as well as hilarious host segments. Also featured are the complete music videos for "I'll Sue Ya," "Close But No Cigar," "Weasel Stomping Day," "Polkarama," and "White and Nerdy." Also featured are clips from "Virus Alert" "Confessions Part III" (sync with the original Usher video for "Confessions Part II" which was parodied) and "Don't Download This Song."

VERY talented troupe:

. . .with a friend!

Pro wrestlers "Cactus Jack" Foley and Terry Funk ask the fans at ringside for a chair to whomp on their opponents.

A large crowd had gathered to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

Claude stood in front of his audience and announced,

“Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”

The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want you each to completely concentrate on this watch.
It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations and has special powers.”

He began to swing the watch gently, back and forth, back and forth, while quietly chanting:

“Watch the watch, Watch the watch, Watch the watch .”

Slowly the crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed, the light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.
Suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“CRAP !”, said the Hypnotist.

….it took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Bad drive-in movie fare, anyone? I remember watching this masterpiece in the late 70's at the East 30 Drive In in New Haven:

6-Year-Old Saves 5-Year-Old Friend From Drowning - News Story - WSB Atlanta

FAYETTEVILLE, Ga. -- Adults didn't see a drowning 5-year-old, but his 6-year-old friend did.

Haden Stusak, 6, of Fayetteville is being called a hero after he dived into a pool to investigate a shadow on the bottom that turned out to be his friend.

Josiah Buddah, 5, and Haden are buddies. Haden is a good swimmer, but Josiah can't swim without his water wings.

On Sunday, Josiah took off his water wings and sank to the bottom of the deep end.

"I was scared, I was scared," said Josiah.

An adult spotted a shadow in the pool, but couldn't get to it. No one knew the shadow was Josiah. But Haden got curious and dove down to investigate. He had been practicing diving to the bottom. When he discovered Josiah, he grabbed him and pulled him to the surface.

And in true hero fashion, Haden says what he did was no big deal.

"We're friends. That's what friends do," said Haden.

I thought this was a great story, almost brought a tear to my eye.