City Limits

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.

The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and leaky tire.

Its always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.

Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away - and you have their shoes.

If at first you don't succeed, don't skydive.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If you lend a friend $20 and never see them again, it was probably a wise investment.

If you always tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

People who know the least, know it the loudest.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

When you’re feeling down – whistle. It makes the neighbor’s dog run to the end of his chain and gag himself. That oughtta be good for a laugh.

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

As in Campbell. And Green Day:

Possibly the tackiest ad ever. . .

This video wasn't long enough, so they made it double-spaced:

"Weird Al" Yankovic hosts a 2006 television special to promote his new album Straight Outta Lynwood. This features "fake" interviews with Jessica Simpson and Kevin Federline, as well as hilarious host segments. Also featured are the complete music videos for "I'll Sue Ya," "Close But No Cigar," "Weasel Stomping Day," "Polkarama," and "White and Nerdy." Also featured are clips from "Virus Alert" "Confessions Part III" (sync with the original Usher video for "Confessions Part II" which was parodied) and "Don't Download This Song."

VERY talented troupe:

. . .with a friend!

Pro wrestlers "Cactus Jack" Foley and Terry Funk ask the fans at ringside for a chair to whomp on their opponents.

A large crowd had gathered to see the famed hypnotist do his stuff.

Claude stood in front of his audience and announced,

“Unlike most hypnotists who invite two or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to hypnotize each and every member of this audience.”

The excitement was electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful antique pocket watch from his coat.

“I want you each to completely concentrate on this watch.
It’s a very special watch. It’s been in my family for six generations and has special powers.”

He began to swing the watch gently, back and forth, back and forth, while quietly chanting:

“Watch the watch, Watch the watch, Watch the watch .”

Slowly the crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed, the light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed the swaying watch.
Suddenly, it slipped from the hypnotist’s fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a hundred pieces.

“CRAP !”, said the Hypnotist.

….it took three days to clean up the Senior Center.

Bad drive-in movie fare, anyone? I remember watching this masterpiece in the late 70's at the East 30 Drive In in New Haven:

6-Year-Old Saves 5-Year-Old Friend From Drowning - News Story - WSB Atlanta

FAYETTEVILLE, Ga. -- Adults didn't see a drowning 5-year-old, but his 6-year-old friend did.

Haden Stusak, 6, of Fayetteville is being called a hero after he dived into a pool to investigate a shadow on the bottom that turned out to be his friend.

Josiah Buddah, 5, and Haden are buddies. Haden is a good swimmer, but Josiah can't swim without his water wings.

On Sunday, Josiah took off his water wings and sank to the bottom of the deep end.

"I was scared, I was scared," said Josiah.

An adult spotted a shadow in the pool, but couldn't get to it. No one knew the shadow was Josiah. But Haden got curious and dove down to investigate. He had been practicing diving to the bottom. When he discovered Josiah, he grabbed him and pulled him to the surface.

And in true hero fashion, Haden says what he did was no big deal.

"We're friends. That's what friends do," said Haden.

I thought this was a great story, almost brought a tear to my eye.

A lesson to be learned from typing the wrong E-mail address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years before.

Because of their hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel schedules. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Friday, and his wife was flying down the following day.

The husband checked into the hotel, and unlike years ago, there was a computer in his room, and he decided to send an email to his wife.

However, he accidentally left out one letter in her E-mail address, and without noticing his error, sent the email to the wrong address.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston .. a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory after suffering a heart attack.
The widow decided to check her E-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and then fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and then glanced up and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Date: Friday, October 13, 2005
Subject: I have arrived!

Dearest Love:

I know you are surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and you are allowed to send E-mail to your loved ones. I have just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow, and look forward to seeing you then.

Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

PS . It sure is freakin’ hot down here!